Our story

… Not so while ago I read something that struck me so hard and so deep. It was so vivid it almost felt like a strong fist digging into my stomach from the outside trying to get in. Pain I felt in the middle of my chests.

I read a piece that isn’t mine, but had our story, from the beginning till the end, described the same way I lived it through. It was a refresh to my memory, a flashback putting images in front of my eyes, dancing pictures on the stage of my past, not wanting to come down and wrap things up. By the time I finished reading it I felt over the same things, only this time it hurt as bad as hell, realizing what have we lost, what have I lost, seeing our story through someone else’s eyes, or was it their story. Whatever, we have lost something beyond our comprehension.

            We lost a thing, a connection.

            You put my guard down, you broke my walls, and you entered my intellectual world like no one else before. Why did I let you mess up with my mind? I wasn’t aware of that then, that’s why. I didn’t realize you were already in. You’re the first one that manage to make me listen for a while, make me silent. You make my smartass character disappear and let me be me around you. How did I let you come so close to me, how did I let you enter my mind?

When we talked, we talked. I mean really talked. Hours were minutes. You somehow become part of me in a much greater way I have ever imagined. And I somehow miss those endless conversations.

            We had a thing. A real thing. Maybe “the thing”. But I guess will never know, won’t we? Cause we trade it unreasonably cheap. We lost it in one night. Nothing was the same as before. And things will never be the same again. Ah, yeah that night was ….. can’t find words to describe it. Even now I sometimes can’t remember your face or your smile, but I can always, and when I say always mean every time you cross my mind, feel the sweet pain that makes my whole body crunch and goose bumped. With you I had a spark like I hadn’t had in a long time. But the thing VS the spark is undoubthfully a fight where the thing wins every time. Maybe that’s why for so long I have been holding on to you even though now we don’t have anything.

            And in the end, can you tell me, was it worth it? 

too much...

… and now when I think of it, it seems like it has been around for quite some time now. I just chose not to notice it. Wearing my fake smile, convincing everyone that life is fabulous, it seems like no one can read through my happy face… Acting like time is of no importance to me, enjoying the experiences of life, I found myself stuck in a magical circle, surrounded by different people but still... they are all the same. When do I get to meet someone who is not afraid to tell me the truth to my face. Simple as that. To poor his feelings on me like sudden summer rain. Yes, exactly like that. Out of nowhere but still refreshing.

            Couldn’t help my self not to wonder: Is today the day I finally give up? Or will I take the last deep breath and give it one last go? Can we make it simpler? Can I not care so much? Can someone give me any answer? Ever?  Or am I doomed on suffering from too much; I try too much, I wait too much, I like you too much… everything is too much!!!

answerless...

     Do you ever get that annoying feeling when you don’t know what to do with yourself? Do you ever feel sick and tired of the whole universe but yet you still don’t give up, you keep on even though subconsciously you kind of get the impression that you’re going straight to a wall, head first. I do. And for a week or so I just can’t seem to have any other feeling. Can’t hide from it, can’t run from it cause it’s becoming part of me. I fucking hate it!

     I want you to disappear from my life and at the same time I want you to notice when I’m not around.  Can you at least tell me how you feel, or do you feel anything for me?

     I’m so close of being done with you and once I turn my back on there will be no coming back. I feel exhausted from sitting in the silence and listening to the fight between my heart and my head. When will I learn when to stop and when to quit?

     I can’t seem to make up my mind. Do I want you? Do I want to be with you? Do you want me? Could we have had something real? Could we have had so much more? I really don’t have a clue! But why was I so fucking afraid to even try. At least I would have known. Because the pain is here either way, waiting to teach me a lesson once again.

     Thorn apart. That’s what I am. Thorn apart.

My head says move on, keep walking, it’s not worth it. But my heart screams NO!!! hang on just a bit. And now can you tell me: Is it worth it? Is it?!