Зборови Некажани

     Толку многу имам да ти кажам, а сепак кнедлава во грло не оди ни надоле ни нагоре. Не знаеш колку ми требаш. За да ти кажам работи што на никој друг неможам да му ги кажам, што кај никој друг не ми се сигурни. Не знаеш колку ми фалиш. Ама од каде да имам јас право да ти го кажам сето ова. Има моменти, како овој сега, кога многу малку ми треба да ти пишам и да ти пратам бар дел од себе. Но секој пат си викам батали, остави да биде среќен! И после се само среќа ти посакувам. Немој да го расипуваш ова за него. Кој да знае може стварно си среќен. Среќен ли си?
     Сите ми викаат, остави, заборави, батали. Не пишувај. Можеби и ми е потешко што пишувам, само нешто плус да ме потсетува на тебе. И можеби се во право. Со секоја буква не ми е полесно. Сосема спротивно. Секој збор потежок е од претходниот. А желбата да ти ги кажам сите е неописливо голема и секој ден расте се повеќе и повеќе. 
     И неможам а да не се запрашам: Дали ако ти го кажам ова се, ќе ти смени нешто? Вреди ли да пробам? Па и така веќе немам што да изгбам!

A bird in a meNtal cage

I never looked for any of this. I didn’t want love or need… didn’t want to have this feeling of needing someone.

            I wanted to feel young, like a teenager, to do stupid stuff even though I’m old enough to know better.

           

            And I fucking hate to have to listen about you, and what you said and me not being around you. But most of all I hate this feeling, this painful feeling, to lose something before even having it.  I always relay on my logic, on stuff to happen for a reason and to have consequences according to logical results which were expected. So how come it can hurt so much to lose something which wasn’t yours to even start with. No common sense in that.

   

    And now I just wish nothing of that happened, I wish I never knew you the way I do.

            But since that’s not possible, I just want to escape. I want to break free. Free, from this fucking prison, being captured in my own mind where there is no place for me.

safety pins

  

       I want this to stop. This insecurity. This anticipation. I want it to be all finished. I want to know where I am, where we stand. I can’t stand this hot and cold game, which we have been playing, anymore. I need an answer right now. If only I wasn't a coward and had the courage to ask the question. But you can feel me, my impatience. You should know by now that I’m too afraid to make the first move just as I know that you are too afraid to do the same thing. We are like safety pins. We can be so into each other and be friend pretending not to notice the big pink elephant in the middle of the room. We can be so good friends. I fuckin’ hate that. Really do!!!

To the World, and You

On a drunk Friday night... on a lonely drunk Friday night, my thoughts are all over the place. It doesn't matter that I'm not even trying to focus, I know, I just realized and I'm aware I have to say goodbye to a part of me, a chapter in my life that is here, present and still going on. I have to say goodbye and let go of you. You my skinny love, with your skinny legs.

     On this chilly September night, with no stars to stare at, and no one to tap me on my shoulder pretending to gaze at my future and tell me it's gonna be all right, I'm gonna make it, I disown you. Not that I ever owned you, I just renounce you and everything you are to me. All my illusions of me and you, solving things and being something together... all my dreams of being happy with you... all the bullshit that is attached to you, your hair, nose, your smell and your skinny legs.
     Don't you even worry about me! I'll be fine, eventually. It's not like this is the first time to see pieces of my broken heart around me. I have picked them up and healed it, or glued it, temporally at least. Until the next time. But no matter if it is brand new or already used, a broken heart hurts the same each time.
     World, if you can hear me, tell me: What do you do when your "happily ever after" turns into "once upon a time"? 

Our story

… Not so while ago I read something that struck me so hard and so deep. It was so vivid it almost felt like a strong fist digging into my stomach from the outside trying to get in. Pain I felt in the middle of my chests.

I read a piece that isn’t mine, but had our story, from the beginning till the end, described the same way I lived it through. It was a refresh to my memory, a flashback putting images in front of my eyes, dancing pictures on the stage of my past, not wanting to come down and wrap things up. By the time I finished reading it I felt over the same things, only this time it hurt as bad as hell, realizing what have we lost, what have I lost, seeing our story through someone else’s eyes, or was it their story. Whatever, we have lost something beyond our comprehension.

            We lost a thing, a connection.

            You put my guard down, you broke my walls, and you entered my intellectual world like no one else before. Why did I let you mess up with my mind? I wasn’t aware of that then, that’s why. I didn’t realize you were already in. You’re the first one that manage to make me listen for a while, make me silent. You make my smartass character disappear and let me be me around you. How did I let you come so close to me, how did I let you enter my mind?

When we talked, we talked. I mean really talked. Hours were minutes. You somehow become part of me in a much greater way I have ever imagined. And I somehow miss those endless conversations.

            We had a thing. A real thing. Maybe “the thing”. But I guess will never know, won’t we? Cause we trade it unreasonably cheap. We lost it in one night. Nothing was the same as before. And things will never be the same again. Ah, yeah that night was ….. can’t find words to describe it. Even now I sometimes can’t remember your face or your smile, but I can always, and when I say always mean every time you cross my mind, feel the sweet pain that makes my whole body crunch and goose bumped. With you I had a spark like I hadn’t had in a long time. But the thing VS the spark is undoubthfully a fight where the thing wins every time. Maybe that’s why for so long I have been holding on to you even though now we don’t have anything.

            And in the end, can you tell me, was it worth it? 

too much...

… and now when I think of it, it seems like it has been around for quite some time now. I just chose not to notice it. Wearing my fake smile, convincing everyone that life is fabulous, it seems like no one can read through my happy face… Acting like time is of no importance to me, enjoying the experiences of life, I found myself stuck in a magical circle, surrounded by different people but still... they are all the same. When do I get to meet someone who is not afraid to tell me the truth to my face. Simple as that. To poor his feelings on me like sudden summer rain. Yes, exactly like that. Out of nowhere but still refreshing.

            Couldn’t help my self not to wonder: Is today the day I finally give up? Or will I take the last deep breath and give it one last go? Can we make it simpler? Can I not care so much? Can someone give me any answer? Ever?  Or am I doomed on suffering from too much; I try too much, I wait too much, I like you too much… everything is too much!!!

answerless...

     Do you ever get that annoying feeling when you don’t know what to do with yourself? Do you ever feel sick and tired of the whole universe but yet you still don’t give up, you keep on even though subconsciously you kind of get the impression that you’re going straight to a wall, head first. I do. And for a week or so I just can’t seem to have any other feeling. Can’t hide from it, can’t run from it cause it’s becoming part of me. I fucking hate it!

     I want you to disappear from my life and at the same time I want you to notice when I’m not around.  Can you at least tell me how you feel, or do you feel anything for me?

     I’m so close of being done with you and once I turn my back on there will be no coming back. I feel exhausted from sitting in the silence and listening to the fight between my heart and my head. When will I learn when to stop and when to quit?

     I can’t seem to make up my mind. Do I want you? Do I want to be with you? Do you want me? Could we have had something real? Could we have had so much more? I really don’t have a clue! But why was I so fucking afraid to even try. At least I would have known. Because the pain is here either way, waiting to teach me a lesson once again.

     Thorn apart. That’s what I am. Thorn apart.

My head says move on, keep walking, it’s not worth it. But my heart screams NO!!! hang on just a bit. And now can you tell me: Is it worth it? Is it?!